Walking that tightrope of depression

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I have tried to write this for a while now but I just couldn’t face it, I was in denial.

I have spent years walking what I call the depression tightrope, I am constantly fighting against the wobbling wire to stay on it as one little slip and I’m back in that deep dark pit of self hatred, Nastiness and confusion. I really tried to keep my balance like I have been trying to do since I was attacked all them years ago, I slipped and I’ve been hanging on to that wire for far to long scared that I will let go.

I tried hard to cling on but I have slipped and  I’ve hit that dark pit but this time I don’t feel like I have the fight in me to climb back out.  I just want to cry but I don’t know why the tears are falling, I feel so stupid what is wrong with my body??? Why am I crying at the slightest thing even at the sight of seeing a funeral car yesterday. I don’t know the people but I was so overcome with sadness I burst into tears and sobbed all the way back to my home.  Just lately I seem to spend more time in my room because I don’t want to go outside or speak to anyone, When my children are at home I smile and play happy mummy but deep inside I’m being tortured.

When I look in the mirror I see fat ugly Me  who is negative, useless, nasty and obviously antisocial as I have no friends. I don’t know what is wrong with me  I cannot make friends, I try but people walk over me and I end up crying and hating myself. Maybe it’s because I’m just a depressing person who sucks the life out of people, It wouldn’t be the first time someone told me that.

It’s hard! how can I be HappyHappy B when I feel so confused about everything and I just feel lost I don’t know who I am any more or who I want to be. It’s crap and I hate being me at the moment.

I have pushed everyone away so much so my relationship is hanging on by a thread, I don’t want to loose what I had but I cannot fight and I hate that I turn so nasty towards my partner. I don’t know what Is wrong but I don’t realise when I have snapped at him and My mood is all over the place I go from feeling on top of the world to a screaming mess and telling those I love to leave me alone because I don’t want them in my life. I lock myself away in the bathroom to escape from everyone and lay there listening to the water run until I feel more like me, It doesn’t last long and I get confused again. I’m so scared my children will pick up on how I’m feeling and the way I have been blowing up at those I love, I don’t want them to see that as they have seen to much already due to their fathers mental health.

I just want to run away and hide somewhere Dark until all this crap goes away and I feel like me as I hate who I am right now. I have called my Gp so I guess first step has been taken I cannot pretend any more that Im Ok , I’m not and I’m loosing my mind and everyone around me.

Depression just fuck off you are no friend of mine 😦

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Sleep… Huh?? what’s that?

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I remember when LittleLegs started sleeping through the nights so early on as a baby, I felt quite smug that I could sleep all night whilst my friends were up half the night. Well that smug me has come back to bite me in the backside, 6 years down the line I’m up half the night with LL .

At the moment 1 night waking twice would be a luxury due to LL suffering with pains in his legs. I was only recently told he has hypermobility syndrome, Apparently the DR’s knew but failed to mention it every time I expressed my concerns. I had seen them so many times due to him falling over all the time,  he also has some funky walk and get’s those horrid pains during the night. So my night is spent wandering around the house in zombie mode looking for anything that will give him a little more comfort, I massage his legs over and over but what more can I do?  It’s such a draining experience knowing I can do very little to relieve his pain.

On the good nights, I say good nights as he’s reasonably pain-free then he likes to wander around normally at 2am. If he has done something through the day such as made something at school,  he has to take it to bed with him or he becomes distressed. If he wakes to find the ‘item’ is not there he will start hunting for it. I woke up one night in a panic thinking were being burgled, I found him in his room completely trashing it looking for a plastic star he found at school. Then there is the bears, all 40+ off them that have to sit on his bed and he has to arrange them perfectly before bed.

I have to move him up to 20 times a night because he gets himself into some awkward positions and that blinking quilt just wont stay on him.

It would be lovely for us to have a good night sleep,  I cannot see it happening for a long time.

Postnatal depression and me

When your pregnant they mention PND but they almost make it seem like it’s rare and won’t happen. I didn’t think I would get postnatal depression, In fact when I had it I was in denial as I couldn’t understand why I was feeling so empty.

When S was brought into this world by C-section it didn’t quite go to play, I was high risk and went into labour at 36 weeks after a nightmare pregnancy. I ended up having an emergency section, then the spinal block failed so they knocked me out as I could feel them cutting me. Problem is the general anesthetic knocked me out too well, As I came round many hours later for a brief few minutes to see my baby before he was rushed off to special care and I drifted off again.  The whole birth was a confusing experience with many problems. I’m pretty sure they gave me to much anesthetic as It took me  over a day to wake up properly, Then an official looking man came round asking me questions about it.

People always talk about the rush of love you have when you first see your child, For me there was no love In fact I had forgotten I had been pregnant. I stared at S for them brief few minutes wondering whose baby I was holding, My mum told me he was mine and I remember smiling but It didn’t sink In for me. That was the moment the dreaded PND took hold of me, I tried hard to be positive about his birth but I always felt I had failed. I would replay it over in my head but there would be a happy ending, I would be sat there after a perfect c-section holding my precious baby and feeling so proud of myself.

As things were hard at home with the abuse from S’s father I put on a brave face Pretending I was happy Becca, I would go to all the baby groups and pretend I was happy but deep down I hated that I couldn’t be the mum I wanted to be. I used to watch the other mums, They seemed so happy all the time and so close to their children were as I didn’t have time to be me and certainly wasn’t happy.  I slowly managed to overcome PND thanks to my mum, She was the one who realised I was feeling so crap and she made me realise I wasn’t a crap mum.

When I had LL He’s birth was so much easier, They knocked me out after many failed attempts at the spinal block. This time I woke up within an hour without being shaken that time , The first thing I did was ask If LL was OK. I was so relieved that I had remembered my baby as I feared I would have forgotten like the last time, As I peered at him for the first time that rush of love was there. It was such a emotional moment for me as I looked at his perfect face, My chest hurt and the tears were starting to fall. It wasn’t because I was sad, I was so overcome with emotion and for that brief moment I wished I could have felt that amazing feeling with S too.

That emptiness of PND didn’t arrive until LL was around 9 months, It was just before I left the abusive relationship I was trapped in. This time It felt different to when I had S, I felt completely empty when I looked at my children. I loved them and I would give my life for them but There was part of me that felt I couldn’t give them all they needed. I would try to put on a brave face but I completely crashed at one point. My house was a complete mess of rubbish, clothes and god knows what left all over the floors. I had my brothers staying who were not the tidiest of people but they were not completely to blame, I just wanted to hide away and pretend everything was ok. I would play with the boys and care for them as a mum should but I just wanted to escape from it all and hide somewhere away from everyone. I would cry daily wishing that I could be a good mum to my boys, I would look at them and wonder if they would be better without me.

The turning point came when I packed my bags to leave, I thought they would be better off with anyone but me and I asked my brother to babysit. I Tucked them into bed  then went back to my room to check that I had everything, I thought I would just walk out leaving them with my brother and they could have a decent life without me. I grabbed my bag then headed off to their room to kiss them goodbye, Then it hit me………… I loved them little boys and I would do anything for them,That rush of love had returned at the moment when I needed it most. That night I slept on the floor in my children room so I could be close to them, I laid there for hours just smiling at them as they slept and calming them when they stirred.

It wasn’t a easy ride I had moments after where I would doubt myself more so as ‘IT’ (the ex) would say I’m a bad parent and make threats to call social services. I realised that I was blaming myself for LL being delayed In his milestones and I had done everything to keep my children happy and safe. I went on antidepressants for a while but I overcame the PND with the love and support from my family. If I had walked away that night I dread to think of what would have happened to my children, It scares me that they could have ended up in care or living with their violent father.

I always think back to that night, I’m so glad I managed to see sense as I have amazing children and I could never live without them. I may not be the perfect mum but I do the best I can and I will never let them down.